In a lovely homage to one of their biggest fans, Anne Treasure, the Kardashians launched season 10 of Keeping Up With (you guessed it!) the Kardashians the day after Anne’s wedding.
Anne’s wedding was delightful. There was a dog in a bow tie (actually two, if you count the delightful National Treasure, First Dog On The Moon), I cried, the bride cried, but only because someone poked her in the eye, there was a very long kiss and there was Patrón XO Café.
Bonjour to you, sir!
Anyway, this isn’t about weddings, this is about season 10. More specifically, this is what we already know about the drama that’s going to unfold this season.
Let’s talk about what what this season “promises” and how the off-season has ruined some of the suspense:
Kim will have a baby: there is a very sweet moment in the first episode where Kim explains to her ob/gyn that she has a hairdresser who is also a psychic who has told her that her next baby will be a boy. She looks very graceful with her paper towel skirt, with a wand up her hoo-ha while telling this story and her ob/gyn very generously tells her he gives her a 50% chance of a boy.
Spoiler: Kim will not have a baby this season. We, the viewers know this because during the off season we’ve lived through her breaking the Internet with her delightfully oiled derriere in a shoot she says she wanted to do in order to capture her pre-second baby body. That was months ago, which is years in Internet time and there is no baby.
Kendall and Kylie will act out: Kendall and Kylie are still very much a sub-plot in Kardashiland, at least for this season. Teasers suggested therapy might be in order for both and that Kylie feels like someone off camera doesn’t know her anymore. Honestly, it’s possible she was talking to a camera man, who at this stage, probably does know her better than her own mother.
Spoiler: Neither will go particularly off-the-rails this season. During the off season, Kylie’s lips did start to resemble one of Erwin Wurm‘s car sculptures, but Kim cleared that little mess up by explaining Kylie is very good with makeup tricks which help her look like she’s had too much lip filler. Kendall did a lot of modelling things, including a bunch of Chanel, so you know, not exactly failing at life. She may be having sexual feelings about Justin Bieber though, depending on which tabloid you read.
Rob’s life is a disaster: If there is one thing that brings tears to my eyes, it’s Khloe crying. Firstly because she is a very glamorous crier and I feel sad that I don’t look like that when I cry. Secondly, because Khloe is my favourite Kardashian and when she feels pain, I feel pain. Last season, her heart was still being broken by Lamar, this season, by Rob, her brother-husband.
Spoiler: There is no spoiler, it honestly looks like things are not well for Rob. After laughing for longer than was probably necessarily at the idea of a line of socks, I actually looked at them and they are pretty good and I’m probably going to end up owning some.
Khloe and French will break up: How long do you have? Are you sitting down? Good, because I have so much to say about why Khloe and French should break up. I wanted to like French. First of all, I like that his name is French! Second, Lamar. Lamar that 6 foot 10 inch heart-breaker. Do you know what a man who is that tall means to a tall woman? And he was sweet to her and he played in the NBA and they laughed together and LAMAR! But he broke her heart and their marriage and she needs to get over him so she can find another amazing tall man to make her feel dainty and that man is not French. As Kourtney said, “He’s so dumb. I can’t spend time around dumb people like that anymore, so please don’t bring another dummy.”.
Spoiler: As of maybe two weeks ago, they were still on-off. Ugh. Interestingly though, apparently Khloe and Lamar’s divorce papers are going to be void soon if she doesn’t pull the trigger on them. Let’s hope she’s lost them and she and Lamar fall in love while searching her closet which is bigger than my whole bedroom and season 11 opens to a fuzzy montage of them making love on a fluffy white rug.
Bruce dates Kris’s best friend and breaks Kris’s heart: This one was big news for a few weeks, but again, it happened so long ago that we all know what happened. If you don’t know what happened … keep reading.
Spoiler: Not much. If there was any kind of hanky panky going on, it seemed to be a flash in the pan. Next week an interview with Barbara Walters and Bruce is airing in the States. Most sources agree that in this interview, Bruce will discuss his transition from male to female. Most also agree the transition probably won’t feature on KUWTK and although the family haven’t confirmed Bruce’s news, all the kids have said they support their father no matter what.
So there we have it.
Luckily the appeal of KUWTK is never in the big reveals anyway, it’s in the smaller moments and any moment with Khloe and the dream that one day Lamar will come back and we’ll all be happily married forever to him.