Every Thursday or Friday night if B and I end up shopping for dinner together after work, this one thing inevitably happens.
I will pick up the newly minted copy of Who Magazine and put it in the basket. I will walk quickly until I am two or three paces in front of B. Then I will turn and say loudly, ‘Oh! Did you remember to get that that Who Magazine that you love so much?’.
He used to roll his eyes, but now he plays along and pretends it is for him and he’s been dying to read it.
I read Who Magazine because I would read the back of a box of cereal if it were in front of me. I read a lot, it’s a thing I do. I also need a break from, say, reading about the horrible things going on in the news, or books which require all of my attention and look, I’ve always been a total Hollywood gossip busybody.
I tried to give up Who Magazine earlier in the year, because of Lara Bingle. I used not to have an opinion on Lara Bingle until a few years ago when she tweeted that she needed to go to the gym because, ‘fat girls don’t get phone calls’ and I looked at my call logs and she was wrong. My mum calls me at least once a week.
Another bad habit is Red Bull. I came home from work last week and practically squeezed B’s cheeks until they fell off while forcing him to guess how much I paid for a four-pack of sugar-free Red Bull ($2.99!) and then realised it’s really unhealthy for that to count as a highlight of my day.
Today I also fed a troll on Twitter. I never feed trolls. I had a terrible flame war in 2002, and my Internet eyebrows are still singed, but today I couldn’t hold my tongue. I waded into the murky waters under the bridge where the trolls claiming #illridewithyou is an attack on white people. Racist against white people, even. A person with a sparkly porcelain unicorn picture as their avatar and a bio that used a lot of commas and ended with ‘I love angels!’ told me I was racist. Against white people. Because I like the theory behind #illridewithyou.
Except sparkle unicorn couldn’t grasp a basic fact:
Sparkle unicorn: “Your racist!”
Sparkle unicorn: “You and your friend, your both racist!”
Me: “First one was right, second one? *You’re”
Sparkle unicorn: “Your not going to defend yourself against racism are you?”
Eventually sparkle unicorn deleted all their tweets to me and blocked me and though I’m not keen to lurk again, there was a certain thrill in annoying someone to the point of exasperation.
A friend checked in: sparkle unicorn is still angry at white people being racist against white people and is still using “your”.