Kreeping Up With the Kardashians #1

In a lovely homage to one of their biggest fans, Anne Treasure, the Kardashians launched season 10 of Keeping Up With (you guessed it!) the Kardashians the day after Anne’s wedding.

Anne’s wedding was delightful. There was a dog in a bow tie (actually two, if you count the delightful National Treasure, First Dog On The Moon), I cried, the bride cried, but only because someone poked her in the eye, there was a very long kiss and there was Patrón XO Café.

Bonjour to you, sir!

Anyway, this isn’t about weddings, this is about season 10. More specifically, this is what we already know about the drama that’s going to unfold this season.

Let’s talk about what what this season “promises” and how the off-season has ruined some of the suspense:

Kim will have a baby: there is a very sweet moment in the first episode where Kim explains to her ob/gyn that she has a hairdresser who is also a psychic who has told her that her next baby will be a boy. She looks very graceful with her paper towel skirt, with a wand up her hoo-ha while telling this story and her ob/gyn very generously tells her he gives her a 50% chance of a boy.

Spoiler: Kim will not have a baby this season. We, the viewers know this because during the off season we’ve lived through her breaking the Internet with her delightfully oiled derriere in a shoot she says she wanted to do in order to capture her pre-second baby body.  That was months ago, which is years in Internet time and there is no baby.

Kendall and Kylie will act out: Kendall and Kylie are still very much a sub-plot in Kardashiland, at least for this season. Teasers suggested therapy might be in order for both and that Kylie feels like someone off camera doesn’t know her anymore. Honestly, it’s possible she was talking to a camera man, who at this stage, probably does know her better than her own mother.

Spoiler: Neither will go particularly off-the-rails this season. During the off season, Kylie’s lips did start to resemble one of Erwin Wurm‘s car sculptures, but Kim cleared that little mess up by explaining Kylie is very good with makeup tricks which help her look like she’s had too much lip filler. Kendall did a lot of modelling things, including a bunch of Chanel, so you know, not exactly failing at life. She may be having sexual feelings about Justin Bieber though, depending on which tabloid you read.

Rob’s life is a disaster: If there is one thing that brings tears to my eyes, it’s Khloe crying. Firstly because she is a very glamorous crier and I feel sad that I don’t look like that when I cry. Secondly, because Khloe is my favourite Kardashian and when she feels pain, I feel pain. Last season, her heart was still being broken by Lamar, this season, by Rob, her brother-husband.

Spoiler: There is no spoiler, it honestly looks like things are not well for Rob. After laughing for longer than was probably necessarily at the idea of a line of socks, I actually looked at them and they are pretty good and I’m probably going to end up owning some.

Khloe and French will break up: How long do you have? Are you sitting down? Good, because I have so much to say about why Khloe and French should break up. I wanted to like French. First of all, I like that his name is French! Second, Lamar. Lamar that 6 foot 10 inch heart-breaker. Do you know what a man who is that tall means to a tall woman? And he was sweet to her and he played in the NBA and they laughed together and LAMAR! But he broke her heart and their marriage and she needs to get over him so she can find another amazing tall man to make her feel dainty and that man is not French. As Kourtney said, “He’s so dumb. I can’t spend time around dumb people like that anymore, so please don’t bring another dummy.”.

Spoiler: As of maybe two weeks ago, they were still on-off. Ugh. Interestingly though, apparently Khloe and Lamar’s divorce papers are going to be void soon if she doesn’t pull the trigger on them. Let’s hope she’s lost them and she and Lamar fall in love while searching her closet which is bigger than my whole bedroom and season 11 opens to a fuzzy montage of them making love on a fluffy white rug.

Bruce dates Kris’s best friend and breaks Kris’s heart: This one was big news for a few weeks, but again, it happened so long ago that we all know what happened. If you don’t know what happened … keep reading.

Spoiler: Not much. If there was any kind of hanky panky going on, it seemed to be a flash in the pan. Next week an interview with Barbara Walters and Bruce is airing in the States. Most sources agree that in this interview, Bruce will discuss his transition from male to female. Most also agree the transition probably won’t feature on KUWTK and although the family haven’t confirmed Bruce’s news, all the kids have said they support their father no matter what.

So there we have it.

Luckily the appeal of KUWTK is never in the big reveals anyway, it’s in the smaller moments and any moment with Khloe and the dream that one day Lamar will come back and we’ll all be happily married forever to him.

Bob in Bed

So Bob Ellis has written a piece on Girls and if you’ve read anything that Bob Ellis has written in recent years, you know as well as I do that he’s a click-bait puppet and we click because we can’t help it because we want to know exactly how much of a shamble this wordsmith has become.

His piece is littered with base opinions that I’ve come to assume Bob may or may not actually believe himself, but can’t help spouting because he gets off on the inevitable reaction they provoke.  

He begins by flogging what was already a tired mule a week ago when the episode of Girls aired that is now infamous because Lena Dunham dared cast herself naked opposite a man some factions believe has a much “better” body than she does*  Ellis describes Lena as “pudding-plain with tattoos and a dress-sense like a bloodstained six-car pile-up”. He really likes hyphens and by the end of the piece, we discover that he also, quite lecherously, wants in on this bloodstained six-car pile-up.

Lena’s generation isn’t one that is “lost” as the title of Bob’s piece would lead you to believe. Lena’s generation are all over the Internet, moving so fast their concentration spans have halved and we were done expending energy defending Lena’s body against really stupid opinions days before Bob seems to have gotten around to watching Girls on his Foxtel IQ, or torrenting it from Pirate Bay.

Which brings me to my next point: how does Bob watch Girls? If he has Foxtel, does he also watch that one show about the guys who wade into rivers and catch catfish with their bare hands and the promos for it always make it look like catfish are really dangerous, rather than just really huge sloppy fish with dopey, adorable moustaches? What does he think about this show?

Has he ever wondered what it is about HD TV that makes Bill O’Reilly’s pupils look red or fretted over the fact that his IQ box fills up every time there’s a marathon of The Bill?

If he downloads TV, where does he watch it? Does he watch it in bed with some warm, buttered toast, spluttering sticky crumbs into his laptop keyboard every time Hannah tries to negotiate new sexual terrain? Does his wife look at him over the top of her reading glasses as she devours the latest Hilary Mantel and tries to ignore his guffawing?

Share these moments with us, Bob. They are infinitely more interesting.

Nothing Bob Ellis wrote added to the discourse surrounding Girls, mostly it just made me imagine him in pyjamas a lot and have the strange urge to tell Imaginary Bob Ellis that if he wants his butter-drenched toast to stay crisp, he needs to buy toast rather than sandwich loaves.

*Re-watching this episode I was struck by how beige the Joshua character was. I can’t believe this wasn’t deliberate. Everything from his house furnishings, to his bed linen to his tanned body was some shade of beige. I remember a lot more about Hannah’s naked form than I do his.

♫ Girl, wish you never had boys ♫

I am bone-achingly tired. My insomnia is back, just like that, after being gone for most of this year.

I sat up at 4:30am, dressed, on a made bed, re-watching Girls.

I was curious to see how I feel about it now, up until a few weeks ago it made me feel miserable. Some things still grate. Hannah is Lena is a writing protege of sorts. It’s hard to relate to a character living the “hard knock life” when you know it was written by a 26-year-old woman, based on her own experiences. Her own experiences of having an HBO series by the time she was 26. By episode nine, the romance becomes softer, which I enjoy more – I am a total escapist when it comes to television marketed to my saccharine stereotypes, particularly times when I feel vulnerable – and Hannah’s writing becomes a paramount theme, which I enjoy less, out of completely juvenile jealousy.

I love the amount of stomach in that show, I love Hannah’s slouch and the way she eats cupcakes. I love that under her black boots she’s wearing a really gross pair of white gym socks. I related to her description of getting tattooed as a way of reclaiming her shape, I related even more when she rolled her eyes as she was explaining it. Twenties are all about bold statements that you think will last forever.

I’m still not sure that what makes it interesting will survive more than a few seasons, but it’s nice to have something guilty that also has a bit of substance.